There’s no question that romantic breakups can be really hard. Research has revealed that experiencing a breakup has several unique effects on our sense of self or self-concept
(i.e., everything that makes us who we are) as well. For example,
research has demonstrated that, after a breakup, people feel that their
self-concept is smaller than it was before the breakup; in other words,
they feel like their self-concept has diminished somewhat.1 This
makes sense, since over time people tend to incorporate their romantic
partner into their self-concept, meaning that their individual
identities begin to merge.
In the wake of a breakup, then, the self-concept may feel reduced or
contracted because there used to be another person involved in it (e.g.,
part of “me” used to include being a loving partner to a specific
person, and now that part is gone).
Not only that, but breakups seem to influence our self-concept clarity
(the degree to which we have a clear sense of who we are). In a series
of three studies, Erica Slotter and her colleagues found that, after
imagining or actually experiencing a breakup, people experienced a
reduction of self-concept clarity. This hit to self-concept clarity was
associated with a desire to change things about themselves or their
routines (e.g., cutting or coloring their hair to help “redefine”
themselves, changing activities they engage in, etc.). Reduced
self-concept clarity following a breakup also predicted the emotional
distress people felt.2 Thus, breakups seem to make people
feel a bit confused about who they are, and this may (a) motivate them
to establish a new “me” that doesn’t rely on the former “us,” and (b)
help explain why they get so upset and distressed when their
relationship ends.